I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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