found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
birth control should be required to get into college
i came on her dog
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
