Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
