god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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