My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
