Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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