Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
