Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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