apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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