Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
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