My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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