Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
