3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
