I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
