I looked at my own cervix.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
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