As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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