I hate your face
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Randomize
