walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Randomize
