I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
