My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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