Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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