We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
