You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
