is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
