you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
