Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
