Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
