The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
