Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
