Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
