You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
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