on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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