Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
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