God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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