Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
