I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
