Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I'm getting married
To pizza
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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