seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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