Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
