My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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