It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
