he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
