wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
