areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
