dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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