Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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