I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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