What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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