when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I intend to get homeless drunk
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Randomize
