Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
