I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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