Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
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