Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
