I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
