Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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