After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
