did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Randomize
