my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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