I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
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