Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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