I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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