I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
