Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
